The Wedding Mind-warp

"GRRRRR!!" Said the Bridezilla, "I want everything MY way!!!"

I regularly read weddingbee, as I've mentioned before, and they have a great forum section where people can ask questions, give advice, etc. Today I read a post that I just couldn't help from responding to. It's a reminder of how we all get so wrapped up in being incredibly selfish and immature and sucked into the wedding mind-warp, that we forget what's really important. Read and comment (and note the title of her post in bold...):

"HUGE issues with invitations (long)

Hi Bees, this is my first post so apologies in advance if I mess it up!

I am having a really big problem with my wedding invitation addressing. The wedding isn't for another 10 months but we are sending the STDs soon so the topic of how to address everything has come up recently. I am *highly* offended by the use of Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirst Lastname with no mention of the woman's name. To me it's an archaic "etiquette rule" that fails to recognize a woman as anything more than her husband's wife and not an individual person. Just because something has "always" been done a certain way or "etiquette dictates" this or that doesn't make it right. I am adamant about addressing all of our invitations (except maybe a small handful- the ones to our grandparents' generation is my concession) as Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirst and Herfirst Lastname. However, my mom is totally not okay with this for anyone other than our friends, and apparently she discussed it with FMIL who is demanding that all of her guests' invited be done the old-skool way.

Mom's argument is that because she and my dad are doing the inviting (aka footing the bill) that they can put it however they want, and I think because it's my wedding and because I find the whole using only his name thing to be unbearably sexist that my wishes should be respected. I see nothing crude or improper about using both first names like above, or Mr. Hisfirst and Mrs. Herfirst Lastname. Heck, I'd rather skip all titles and just say Hisfirst and Herfirst Lastname. It's gotten to the point where I wish we'd just eloped so we could have avoided all this, or had a wedding on the cheap but paid for it all ourselves because I am so upset about everything. I'm not interested in being labeled a Bridezilla or having a major blowup with my mom or FMIL but their way is NOT going to fly with me and I don't know how to resolve this. Does anyone have any words of wisdom that can help me out of this bind? Thanks for reading and best wishes to all!"

I almost bit my tounge, but I read posts like this all the time. It's not always invitations- it might be the bill, it might be over flowers, it might be over the guest list- but honestly, when are people going to learn? Most of the people who responded encouraged her to turn away her parent's funding of the wedding JUST so she could get her way in the wording on the invitation ENVELOPES. Other people encouraged her to hold her ground, because if she didn't, then "it might turn into her mother's wedding" (where there any other indications that her mother was forbidding her to do something?!?). A few brave souls agreed with me, and I couldn't help but to respond:

"This might be harsh, but... I have to say it. I read posts like this all the time, and I can't help feeling astonished about how many people have really lost their grasp of reality. Like so many other things, take a step back and really ask yourself- is this fight WORTH it? Is it worth all the stress and tears and arguments? Be honest with yourself- try to extract yourself from the wedding world you're (and we're all!!) wrapped up in. If you're going to let something like this bother you to the extent that it is, then I think you're going to have much bigger issues in the road that lies ahead...

Bottom line: it's ink on a piece of paper that WILL get thrown away. Maybe glanced at, but it's mostly for the post office so they know what the hell to do. I learned this through many arguments with my mom over invitations- I wanted letterpress, but it's just not in the budget. I yelled and cried and said she didn't understand and embarrassed myself to the point where I still feel ashamed at the immaturity of it all. She had a very valid point: invitations serve the purpose of telling people where to go and when to do it and why they're doing it. Only about 1% of the people are actually going to save it (maybe family?) and the other 99% are going to throw it away after they're tired of seeing it clutter up their fridge for a few months after the wedding. In the end, I learned a very valuable lesson: it just wasn't worth the fight, the tears, and the stress.

Relax, and concentrate on what's important: you are marrying the love of your life, and this time period should be the happiest time of your life- not a time where you're fighting with everyone else over how to address a name on an envelope. Is that what you're going to want to remember down the road?

I'm sorry if that was really harsh, but sometimes a kick in the pants is what we all need to bring us back down to reality. Good luck and I hope you have a wonderful wedding."

To everyone out there who's unmarried- keep this in mind. Please. Don't lose touch with reality, because it's darn easy to do so. It may be invitations, it may be flowers, it may be the color of a tie, it may be the flavor of the cake, it may be whose going to be invited to the wedding or who's paying for what. So many families are torn apart by little arguments that balloon into life-long grudges that no one can remember the cause of. This should be a time of ultimate happiness- not stupid little fights over wording on invitation envelopes!