Discovery.

Note: I recently received a "Facebook Invitation" to join a "Facebook group", asking me to vote YES on Proposition 8, a proposed constitutional amendment that will overturn a recent California Supreme Court decision that legalized gay marriage. Somewhere between my frustrations, reflections, and path towards my own self-discovery this came out. Names have been eliminated, and I hope and think we have both learned from each other.
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I'll keep this private, because I am sure that it is uncomfortable for you to be addressed on such a public stage. Plus Facebook won't let me post this long message on your wall- haha! This probably is going to turn into something that is more for me than you, but maybe you'd like to come along for the ride.

I want to say upfront that, in no way, am I asking you to consider or act upon what I'm about to say. Think of it as my own investigation into what I feel to be true, as I reflect upon Proposition 8, it's potential ramifications and underlying meanings, love, marriage, sex, and commitment.

We're all different people, we all come from different backgrounds, and we all (thank goodness) have the right to investigate, develop, and implement our own beliefs (religious, spiritual, or whatever you want to call it) in our own lives. Why do I, do you, does the government, do varying religious and spiritual institutions, do anyone have the right to impose those beliefs on another human being, who may have undergone an entirely different set of life experiences, leading them to different beliefs?

You and I have obviously had very different, yet also very similar, life experiences. Although we were raised in the same community, with similar financial statuses, went to the same schools, we also had very different life experiences as well. You've served a mission. I have not. You go to BYU. I went to UCLA. You have many brothers and sisters. I have one. You might like cake and frosting. I don't. You were raised in the Mormon church; I was raised in an atheist family who encouraged me to chose my own path to spirituality. I admire and truly appreciate the Mormon church for many of their teachings, especially about those about family. Jacob and I have even talked about how we want to mimic many of the values about family in our own future lives. But I was also raised with those values, outside of any organized religion, and we will be continuing those values as our lives progress. But it's clear that we've each had our own experiences, leading to our own beliefs. Same goes with every single person across the globe. The life experience is impossible to replicate! That's part of what makes it so amazing and wonderful. And it is only multiplied when two people find each other, and decide that they want to learn about what makes that other person them.

Marriage is a sacred act, that's for sure. As someone who is preparing mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally for her own marriage in the next year, I have undergone an incredible journey to understanding what it really means. I've been writing about the wedding on our blog, and it's really amazing how far I've come. I'm definitely not there yet- I only feel like I have just scratched the surface. Along the way, I've even considered various religions, read about their teachings on marriage, love, and equality, and thought about pursuing certain teachings further. I've thought about if and how we should incorporate them into the ceremony that we are having. If and how I want to incorporate them into my life. If and how we want to incorporate them into our lives. Right now, I've come to the conclusion that I don't need those structured institutions in my life, just as long as I am understanding what I am about to do.

But, the sacredness of marriage lies in the vows that you are making to the other person. It doesn't matter whether what sex, what race, or what ethnicity the sacredness is held between. What is important is that it's there. That it's true. That it reverberates continuously in the relationship. That it's not forgotten, misinterpreted, or pushed aside. It's a darn scary thing- committing yourself to another human being for a lifetime, for eternity, for forever.

The path to marriage is one of the most intense periods of growth I've ever experienced. I've learned that marriage is not about making the perfect pot roast, or making sure the house is clean, or anything like that. It's not about sex. It's not about making babies. It's about love. Commitment. Faith. Understanding. Patience. Tears. Laughter. Growth. Protection. Hope. It's about saying, “You know all those things that we’ve promised, and hoped, and dreamed – well, I meant it all, every word.” It's about discovering the true meaning behind the vows that I will make- to have, to hold, to love, to cherish, through dark times, the good, and bad, in sickness and in health. I have to say, I'd never really thought about those until we started this crazy ride. Sure, I'd read and heard them a thousand times, but never really reflected on them. Those words are fighting words... the most sincere, heartfelt, and honest few sentences I will ever say in my entire life. Those words are bigger than me, than Jacob, than you, than God, than any spiritual life force than may or may not exist, than anyone or anything... those words are commitment. Commitment to another is such a big, scary word that it's hard to interpret, to really know what it means until you've done it. I know. I've done it and still going through it. I will be for the rest of my life.

I understand why marriage was legally termed as a "contract between a man and a woman". Both sexes are required to reproduce. Doesn't it seem unnatural, two men or two women having sex? They certainly can't go about making any babies that way. I struggled with this for a long time, personally. I just couldn't understand why two people- two men, two women- would want to participate in an act that is biologically meant to create human life. "There's no point", I thought. "Sex is just sex. Sex is nothing more than sex." But then I experienced sex. I experienced loving, passionate, intense, commitment sex. You know what? Sex isn't just sex. Sex is like a marriage- caring, loving, intense passion shared between two people, because they want to express how they feel about the other person in the most intimate way possible. Sex is sacred. Sex shouldn't be thrown around like it is today. Sex should only be had between two people who are ready to commit, forever. Lots of people don't really understand the roots of sex, because they jump into it too quickly, without regard to it's underlying spiritual meaning.

As much as I want the joy of children, want to ability to teach and guide and raise someone of my own, I could honestly live my entire life without doing so. Just as long as I know that I am doing my absolute best in learning to serve, appreciate, acknowledge, love, support, guide, understand, and commit to Jacob.

And that's what marriage is. And as long as a person has the ability to learn, to discover, to interpret, to internalize those lessons, why should it matter who's teaching it to them? Whether it be God, Buddah, Jesus Christ, a TV show, a book, or my 85 year old lesbian aunt, my mother, my father, my sister, Jacob, you, or my cat?

Again, please don't interpret this message as me trying to change your mind. Because then I would be a hypocrite, doing exactly what I asked you not to do to me- not to try to pass your interpretations of morality, marriage, sex, love, and sacredness onto me. I guess I got distracted along the way, as I reflected upon my own upcoming big life event. So in that way, I thank you, because you've helped me dig a little bit deeper into the true meaning behind this commitment that Jacob and I are making to each other. And I hope in some way, shape, or form, I've helped you along your path to discovery, to understanding, to eventually making your own ultimate commitment, just like you've helped me. Because it's an amazing, scary, spectacular, outstanding, breathtaking, crazy event, and we should all be there to support and learn from each other along the way.

I hope everything is well- your family, friends, relationships, school, and yourself.

Alissa